I used to hate myself. I mean, flat out, look in the mirror every morning and tell myself, "I hate you, you fat, ugly, worthless piece of refuse. you are nothing, and worse than nothing. you are a pathetic little..." STOP! You probably don't want to hear that, right? because it is depressing, it is painful, and it is just plain awful.
I can't believe i used to do this to myself! and yet, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. because i just plain didn't like myself. i didn't feel comfortable in my skin. i didn't want to be myself--I wanted to be someone else! I had it all figured out. I knew just who I wanted to be. Someone thin, and beautiful, with a lot of friends--because my younger self thought that happiness was an external thing. Like, it depended on how you looked, or how many friends you have. I feel so much compassion for that self, now. She was looking for happiness in all the wrong places.
And when I stop to reflect on where I am now, in a place where I am so open to spirit, so madly in love with the person that I am today, and the world around me, I feel awed. This is an unbelievable transformation. I feel so grateful to be here, today, able to share with you my experiences.
But this is a big story. A spill-your-guts, talk your ear off story, possibly. How do you go from one extreme to the other? I'll tell you. Gradually. One step at a time. It takes time. A lot of deep shifts had to happen. And yet, all those little steps added up to one colossal transformation.
What were the steps? you wonder. How did it happen?
I can remember the exact moment that I first began to release my self-loathing and negative beliefs. they were so deeply ingrained! i didn't even know they were there. it's like having dark glasses taped over your eyes, and thinking they are a part of you. suddenly they were lifted off, and i could see, so clearly, with eyes of love.
it was at a meditation retreat. i was in my early twenties. I had graduated college, not out of any real passion, but because it was expected of me, and i didn't know what else to do. a passion for travel had inspired me to spend a year living in france, and a year backpacking around Europe. I was looking for something, though I didn't know what. my boyfriend of seven years, my first love, had just left me to join the peace corps.
it was one of the low points of my life, though it was going to get worse soon. i didn't know that, though. i just knew i yearned with all my heart for inner peace, and a release of all my suffering. my mom suggested i try a meditation retreat. i was like, sure, why not? when i got to IMS, i was taken aback by the realization that i was not allowed to talk for the next seven days. i had committed to spend 7 days, in silence, with my thoughts and feelings. scary. very, very scary. but i'm a stubborn one, so no way was i backing out. i sat with it. i breathed in, breathed out. i cried, and i felt like i was going to go crazy, and i did not.
i stuck with it some more, and on the fifth day, after all of the inner turmoil, i remember sitting in my chair, and suddenly i could see this light entering my body. was i going crazy after all? if so i did not mind, because that light--it was so beautiful, glowing brightly golden, and so comforting, and loving. it sank in to my chest, and ran all through my body, till i was illuminated, glowing from within. i didn't realize this at the time, but it was the Universal Life Force, which i had somehow released, since i am a natural healer. the light brought me to a state of calm and clarity that was such a relief! i realized that all of my bad thoughts and feelings about myself were in my power, and i could choose to let them go.
i remember being flooded with tears, as i released the reality of self hatred. when i went home, after the retreat, everyone told me how different i seemed. so happy, and at peace with myself. and i was. it was a true breakthrough, and it stayed with me. however, this was far from the end of my healing journey. looking back, i see now that it was the beginning.
opening myself up to the possibility of change, going deep, and accepting the light of grace that the universe sent in that moment--that's what opened the door for me. i'm so glad i decided to walk through.
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Hi, I'm Jessie A...
I'm an energy healer with a passion for compassion, a sparkly love affair with crystals, and a deep commitment to evolving awareness.